Sunday, November 30, 2008

Looking Back To 2003

I don't think anyone comes to this blog but for me looking back at the first few entries, I realise how much my life has changed except for one thing - Rob is still in it. I am not sure why because we have hurt each other terribly over the years and both of us want things our own way but I still have not been able to commit to him and still do not want to live with him unless I have to for some other reason.

Back in the early days of this blog I was stressed and ill. I still get ill but my stress levels are much improved but only because I do not participate in life nearly as much as I did before when i was constantly battling pain and fatigue. Now, I allow the pain and fatigue and act accordingly If I am well and happy I take some risks and become outgoing once again and I have half a chance of getting to that stage because I no longer work apart from selling Avon. The sad news is that I have also had many extended bad runs where pain and lack of moving and dizzy things has proved too much stress on top of doing Avon. So Avon was always a love hate thing. When Rob and I did not see each other for a couple of years on a regular basis, Avon was there. But Avon and Rob have also been big headaches when they are there.

I can say that this year for the first time, I do not feel as much like a mother nor the need to mother. The kids and their female mates had babies, separated, got back together when it was convenient, and came and went from my house until this year where I only see Scott on weekends, Connor even less. Their life crises are no longer mine which is a big difference. Ofcourse there are family crises and family get togethers and we may come closer together at those times. Mum and Debbie visited this year and for the first time, rented their own place around the corner to get away from my smoking. Scott had really only just left to live with his father (and Ange) again so he came back to my place for an extended period. Brett and Stacey and finally settled after leaving Windbourne apartments at Golden Beach and then moving on from Scott's ex caravan at Tripcony to Kings Beach Chequers apartments where Cohen started to be born. The move to Kings Beach severed a lot of habitual obligations that involved my car and running them around. The phase of me being at the kids beck and call seems to be finally over at 53. But I had better not speak too soon. But the truth is that I prefer my extra freedom and fewer responsibilities. I can much better take care of my own needs - or those of my body on my own, but I guess as the years go by I will be needing help.

I've enjoyed a bit of camping and site seeing over the last couple of years mostly with Rob and my spiritual needs seemed to be being met by A course in Miracles and more specifically Paul Tuttle's audio lessons. That's when Karla came into my life in a big way and her barely functioning Jamie who her life revolves around, except on weekends.

Gone are the days of doing self-development or metaphysical courses outside of Caloundra and gone are the days of meditations at fancy-Bhuddist-monk-named Victor's place in Taylor Street locally. This year I started studying Bnei Baruch Kabbalah and without a doubt it has much more importance to me than any of those other things combined, yet I thought those other things were important to my evolution - the expansion of something in me that has led me to something which I can't quite explain why it has grabbed my attention so much. I know it is going to satisfy my need to be needed but I hope it is a lot more than that one obviously egotistical reason. But here in this place where I am at, I can actually say G-d is fantastic and I think I am getting over quite a bit of anger I had towards that concept. I used to think I was being punished by my ill health no matter what anyone else said in any circle that I have attended. I am alone in a face-to-face kind of way with my attraction to authentic Kabbalah but when I was just learning from Paul Tuttle's voice and talking about it with Karla who always confused me with her intertwined talks about her experiences with aliens and ascended masters, I remember telling her that suddenly I felt like I needed a group. I did try the Way of the Heart group and the local ACIM group but they held no lasting attraction. I had become more or less a loner in my spiritual endeavours except for Karla and the sense of "virtual" connection I have now is actually quite deep despite not knowing any of the thousands of them personally. It is quite necessary though. And this group is growing like wild-fire and their teachings are still being revealed in English because there is still a lot to translate from Hebrew. There is a lot to translate into all the world's languages. But people keep offering to help and the group grows and their teachings spread. It is fascinating to watch and a blessing to be a part of.

Yes, my life has changed since 2003

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