Anxiety triggered by Qbuild easing

I've been very uncomfortable with this anxiety.  Initially this bout was triggered by Qbuild and the Department of Housing and I am not finished with being concerned with what kind of job is going to be done and how I am going to cope with putting gear in boxes for them to move the furniture or get to the floor space in the cupboards.  There's only one problem.  I don't have boxes.  Nevertheless I am not so consumed with this anxiety feeling today. It could change again tomorrow because I have to drive to Maleny and I am hoping there will be no rain or fog on the range.  We have had so much rain.  Saturday was the only day we had a cloudless blue sky during February.  We have had at the least, showers and at the most, floods.  My moods are not so good in dull weather.  This is not new for me.

I told you I had been getting rid of stuff but I've been on a go-slow since the weekend with B, Paige and Cohen. Not that I saw them much but I did spend a lot of nervous energy on them - waiting.   It has not been much of a physical crash but it is tending to make me feel less active.  Tired too.  Yet it is still feeling boring at home.  I don't really want to sleep through this mild crash like I have wanted to in the past but the horrible feeling inside has not made me feel grateful for a relatively good quality of physical stamina.  I have been so ill in the past yet still instead of feeling happy living has been a chore that just drags on.  If it wasn't for the fact that I begin to experience withdrawal on anti-depressants after a couple of years on them, I would actually seek them out.  Perhaps I should anyway.

However, there could be another explanation.  Some of my online friends report anxiety and panic attacks while being on antibiotics.  It is listed as a side effect for the Clarithromycin that I am on (at full dose now) despite the odd upset tum, bad taste and continuing but milder gut burning when in bed.  Ever since I have been on it I have been waking up in the early morning and have not been able to get back into a deep sleep. And I am getting up every half an hour to ease my bladder.  However I have been going to bed earlier too.  I get more sleep than a lot of my chronically ill friends so I should be grateful for what I get.

One sad discovery this week has been that my little portable hard drive that contained all my photos dating back as far as I have been able to  take digital photos, has died.  I don't even remember what else was on the drive - 250 Gigs worth.  Windows 8 (which I switched to because it is kinder to my slow computer) is saying that it does not recognise the device.  I have the ones that you Zena have but there were so many more.  More than I needed including duds that I had never deleted.  I hope some of them are in this blog.  Some of them made it to getting burned on CD's but that did not include videos which take up so much more room on.  I have the recent past...the last two or three years.  Hard drives are not that reliable.  Actually nothing is.  I've seen the sliver stuff come off CD's and DVD's or else they are unable to be read by the next DVD drive you upgrade to.  Nostalgia is over rated anyway.  I am getting tired of hanging on to the past.  It beats me why I have spent my life collecting stuff.  Hence my cleaning out spree.  It is not like the boys are going to want much of anything that is in this house.

Not sure what to do about the TV room.  At the moment a lot of the antenna cable is under the temporary carpet and out of sight as it runs its way from one room to the other.  After the carpet is laid (I am assuming that I will get carpet now) I won't be able to tuck cords under it.  In fact it could be quite dangerous as far as tripping up goes so now I have to consider putting in another TV outlet preferably before the carpets are done.  I don't want to deal with that either and I don't want to go to the doctors and get my injection tomorrow and possibly be put on an additional antibiotic.  I don't enjoy it like the others seem to.  I hate thinking tablets and timing of tablets every day with no end in sight.  I'm already starting to forget to take the second dose of Clarithromycin.  And if I don't take it with quite a bit of food, I do have gut problems with it. I skipped last night's dose because the morning dose gave me diarrhea but it seems to have been a "one off".

This is such a dribble of a post.  Goodnight.

Cohen Weekend Photos

Videos of Cohen the Prep A boy

I did some baby sitting Saturday night.  It was a friend of B's 30th birthday and he, P and Cohen drove down from HB for it.

Slides I scanned today while thinking of QBuild

I have been in a real tizz since Qbuild want-to-be contractors have been phoning to ask for a time to come and measure up my home for flooring.  It no longer feels like my home.  All of a sudden after a  week or two feeling much calmer, yet bored silly, I can feel everything knotted up and my heart rate going overtime.  I am supposed to think to myself that it will all work out: I won't be stuck with really dark carpet;  I won't be stuck with vinyl in the bedrooms and that I will manage to pack up all the cupboards in time before the winning bidder invades my home to do their will.  Them being the Department of Housing.  I'm not going to say too much about that now because I am now expecting to be notified about what is happening but the order only got to Qbuild from Housing yesterday.  All I know is that the tenders have to be in by 25th February, only a few days hence.  And it seems like I am going to be forced to have tiles on the kitchen  floor, you know those big square white ones which certainly won't complement the big blue ones in the laundry and bathroom nor the small outdoor murky tiles in the toilet.  Unless they are also planning on ripping the others up.  What a mess that would be. 

I am handling the anxiety OK today but I am not comfortable with this feeling.  All it has done is spur me into using up nervous energy by wandering around and picking out a few things that I can get started on already.  There is so much I should get rid of rather than cart it from A to B (the garage probably) and then back to A.  Vermin, especially those Geckos have made a lot of what was in the garage, "not very nice" to handle.  It is a shame some lovely books don't look so lovely any more and the ones that are OK, I never look at anyway.  I should get rid of the lot!  Then I would have room for a temporary move of gear into the space left.  Who knows if I will have the time or the energy to get that far before the expected call or letter that will give me a week's notice if I am lucky.

The point today is that I just finished off scanning a box of slides so that I can put them and the film scanner away in its box.  One less thing to get off my computer desk when the time comes to move out the furniture.

Nana and Grandad's farmhouse at Yea

Grandma and Grandpa's home at 51 Radnor St Camberwell

1962

Dawn Greenwood

 

Mum wearing "my" sweet 16 dress

Box Hill North Primary School Uniforms

Sue Barclay

 

I think this was our first holiday after I became separated.  Kings Beach.  This is a scanned negative.

 

Feeling Better

I seem to be up and down like a yo-yo don't I?  I did not stay teary after I got off the phone.  I think the main problem is that I have to face the fact that my life is pretty boring.  I get these runs of good days now - especially in the second week after the Bicillin - but I don't know what to do with them.  I have been doing more housework, more moving around and more shopping.  The shopping poses a problem when the money runs out so fast but I have needed to replace my fat clothes.  Going swimming is not always an option with the run-off from the recent rains making the passage muddy and some pretty blowy weather making it unpleasant.  I have not got enough friends and I've had so much smelly wind from the Clarithromycin that I want to keep to myself anyway.  Many days I just don't feel like I will get much pleasure from any of the things I consider doing so I don't go anywhere at all.  I don't really like shopping for instance.  I guess the main thing to be thankful for is that I feel like doing something beyond the walls of this house because I have the energy to do it.  I am still dealing with varying pain levels but having the energy is a good sign that I am improving.  I may have a slower day the next day but payback has not been severe and mainly just in the form of increased pain or fatigue.  I have not been feeling fluey.

The weather is rainy lately and it is pouring right now but it may clear.  I was up early and I went for a walk down to the water and back before the rain came and I hope I have not over-done it on my hot, sore knees that have flared up since yesterday's Bicillin injection with Blue Care.

New Dress

Yesterday, after my needle, I went to Kawana Shopping World for the first time this year and I did not need to use a scooter.  I got sick of walking around as I usually do and in particular, standing still at a rack, because my back hurts but it helped fill up the day.  I even called in to Brenda's place for a cuppa on the way home.

The day before that it was grocery shopping and before that K-Mart one day and my first 'walk in water' since the floods another day.  But the days seem so much longer when I am not ill and I can't fill them up with anything that is truly satisfying.  I have checked out the Community section in the local paper but I cannot find anything I want to join or be a part of.  There is not much to pick from.

I've seen more of Karla but I am often irritated by her conversation.  I pop into Jan's every so often and she is a good friend.  I'm doing what I can but I am still not sure what I want to do given that I am still very wary about how much I do and in particular, what I eat.  I don't seem to fare too well eating out or having meals at other people's places.  I had a bowel attack after the meal I had with Jan recently.

It is hard to remember what it was like this time last year when I did not think I could even look after myself properly and was gearing up to buy a scooter just so that I could get outside the four walls.  At first you really appreciate and revel in the new sights when you have been holed up in the house but after a while it becomes 'old hat' and it is not enough to give one a sense of purpose.

After a marathon effort playing with RAM chips, I have not managed to fix my computer.  I had to pat myself on the back for even attempting it, but it seems that one of my RAM slots is fried.  The computer won't boot up at all if I use that slot.  I am slowly backing up to a corrupt external hard drive just in case the computer dies completely.  I can't really fix the hard drive while there is stuff on it and I have nowhere to back it up to since it is bigger than the space left on my computer.  Ho hum.

Did S tell you that he was delivering phone books when he phoned for your birthday Zena?   He has also started Martin college this week but he seems to think it is going to be too hard and will consult a student counselor so he says.

A book I ordered because it was recommended by Dr Andrew, arrived yesterday so I might be doing a bit of reading today.  It is called Healing Lyme by Stephen Buhner.  It is going to suggest to me even more alternative treatments for Lyme disease and its co-infections that I won't be able to afford.  Grumble.

Medicine Barriers Rise Up - Clarythromycin

I had a bowel attack last night and everything I put in my mouth tastes disgusting.  I'm blaming the Clarythromycin taken in the form of an Oral Liquid called Klacid so that I can start off with small doses and try to build tolerance to taking it.  The idea of patient persistence despite side effects was my attitude for the first couple of days but after last night's bowel attack I have become afraid to take the next dose.  If I'd had an attack after eating MacDonald's I know I would be avoiding MacDonald's until I was brave enough to have a re-challenge a couple of year's down the track.  That is what I wanted this morning with regard to this Klacid.  I wanted to stop it.  It is a Macrolide and my local GP has me down as reacting to Rulide which is another one ending in 'mycin'. 

Then I had to acknowledge that I had been sort of constipated though and I had eaten pasta at Jan's.  I already know not to eat not to eat but a small portion of gluten or starch.  It was a tiny portion.  But maybe it wasn't the Klacid.  Nevertheless if I get vomiting I'm quitting and I was close to it last night during the cramping.  I collapsed on the bed after I got one lot of diarrhea and woke up with the TV going an hour or so later and the major cramps had gone.  Now I am left with the residual after-cramp aching plus I have had a lot of pelvic and possibly bladder pain along with urinary frequency all while treating vaginal thrush and Candida so the cause of the pain is hard to define down there but it is worse this morning.  So's the gut burning.

I woke with the decision to quit though because I really was scared to take another dose.  I emailed the doctor and his wife who apparently vets all his emails as the owner of the practice replied on his behalf.  I was told to try half the dose of the tiny syringed dose I am already taking and as I sit here I don't relish the thought.  I tried to eat a scrambled egg but I loaded it up with tumeric and it (along with parsley - so far) reacts really badly, with the taste left in my mouth from the antibiotic, so that it tasted disgusting and I could not eat it.  My food does not want to go down anyway.  It sits in my throat too long.  I'll try a fortified milk shake after a while...aka smoothie.

Do you know what else I am experiencing right now?  NUMBNESS AND TINGLING IN THE TIP OF RIGHT RING FINGER progressing along elbow nerve and beyond right now.  The right pointer is trying to join in sympathy and my right shoulder pain that I call mouse shoulder is now evident but the tingle or numbness in the top of my finger has been there for 2 days, this is the third. 

I'm going back to bed, with a headache and much more ache.  Hopefully I will be able to re-emerge so that I can get the lenses swapped over in my new glasses this afternoon.  But I guess it does not really matter if it is done today.  It is just up at the local PW shopping centre which is pretty sparsely populated with shops these days other than the two supermarkets.  I do like having Woolworths MSA meats but I really, really, really miss the Warehouse and more recently a clothes shop.  The rent is too high for the amount of traffic they get.

Relatively speaking I am not too bad today post Bicillin

Relatively speaking  I am not too bad today for two days after a Bicillin shot.  Yes the gastric and reflux burning is back with a vengeance and I am taking Losec and Nizac and Alka Seltzer Gold but I have put up with worse.  It still only seems to be really bad after lying down.  My appetite vanished again and I have not eaten a main meal for two nights so I am trying to at least have a cooked breakfast when my appetite does kick in.  The heat and lack of energy for cooking does not help so mornings are best for that - or rather, mid-morning.  I was definitely functioning better during my treatment break though and it is a bit of a blow to have to go backwards healthwise.

The drive to Maleny and back on Wednesday was made hairy by the downpour, the cloud and fog of the range but I survived.  But it is closer than going to Noosa for me.  It takes less than 3/4 hour but it will depend on whether I get stuck behind a truck going up the range from Landsborough.  Andrew was just happy to see that I still was not a sobbing mess as I was the week before and nothing has changed that you don't know about.  I am hoping that dropping back to fortnightly injections, which meant changing arrangements with Blue Care, will mean I will get a bit of relief from the added bone pain and gut burning I experience in the second week but who knows what will happen when I add Clarythromycin into the mix.  This is all a bit like chemotherapy having to endure the side effects for the sake of provoking a remission.  Some say that the mood side effects happen on the antibiotics that cross the blood-brain barrier.  At any rate, Dr has already labelled me as "sensitive".

Dr was writing an information brochure during my appointment (that he wanted me to take) while I was rattling on about my goals for the future which was my homework. I think either he is hyperactive or I am boring!  I remember being fit enough to have a million projects on the go and always being busy like that.  I sort of miss it but at the same time, I must take time out to relax no matter how well I become. Fingers crossed.  Here is an interesting part of the brochure still in draft form.

Here's another interesting bit of the brochure:
During therapy, we often see a return of symptoms seen in early infection or illness.  This is a phenomenon called "full circle" and is significant as a marker for recovery.......There is also the concept of residual deficits.  These may be problems that remain because parts of yourself are irreversibly damaged.  Some problems may take years to recover, things such as neurological concerns may take up to two years to return to normal.  There is also the risk of irreversible damage.  This is difficult to predict........Particularly difficult are the following symptoms - severe neurological complications, deep set bone pain and gut paralysis.

Relapse is also a risk - it is important not to create the same environment that caused the disease in the first place.
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I had a liver function blood test today, early, with a few other things thrown in: CRP, ANA, IgE, and that's all I remember.

SNORE Australia have sent the results to Dr too and all I got today was a note saying the same, an offering of a private consultation and all these warning brochures about driving with sleep apnea so I hope they are not suggestive of my results.  I am not in a great hurry to find out so unless I get a phonecall re any of my results, I will not contact them before my next appointment on the 28th.

I was wondering Zena if your suggestion of putting something under my knees to stop sliding down the bed when jacked up on pillows was because of you have had plenty of experience sitting up in bed during asthma attacks.  Thank you for my present :)

I just made a yummy smoothie with lactose-free milk, frozen cherries, a handful of baby spinach leaves, maple syrup, plain yoghurt, a qtr of a banana and a dash of vitamin C powder.