Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Anxiety triggered by Qbuild easing

I've been very uncomfortable with this anxiety.  Initially this bout was triggered by Qbuild and the Department of Housing and I am not finished with being concerned with what kind of job is going to be done and how I am going to cope with putting gear in boxes for them to move the furniture or get to the floor space in the cupboards.  There's only one problem.  I don't have boxes.  Nevertheless I am not so consumed with this anxiety feeling today. It could change again tomorrow because I have to drive to Maleny and I am hoping there will be no rain or fog on the range.  We have had so much rain.  Saturday was the only day we had a cloudless blue sky during February.  We have had at the least, showers and at the most, floods.  My moods are not so good in dull weather.  This is not new for me.

I told you I had been getting rid of stuff but I've been on a go-slow since the weekend with B, Paige and Cohen. Not that I saw them much but I did spend a lot of nervous energy on them - waiting.   It has not been much of a physical crash but it is tending to make me feel less active.  Tired too.  Yet it is still feeling boring at home.  I don't really want to sleep through this mild crash like I have wanted to in the past but the horrible feeling inside has not made me feel grateful for a relatively good quality of physical stamina.  I have been so ill in the past yet still instead of feeling happy living has been a chore that just drags on.  If it wasn't for the fact that I begin to experience withdrawal on anti-depressants after a couple of years on them, I would actually seek them out.  Perhaps I should anyway.

However, there could be another explanation.  Some of my online friends report anxiety and panic attacks while being on antibiotics.  It is listed as a side effect for the Clarithromycin that I am on (at full dose now) despite the odd upset tum, bad taste and continuing but milder gut burning when in bed.  Ever since I have been on it I have been waking up in the early morning and have not been able to get back into a deep sleep. And I am getting up every half an hour to ease my bladder.  However I have been going to bed earlier too.  I get more sleep than a lot of my chronically ill friends so I should be grateful for what I get.

One sad discovery this week has been that my little portable hard drive that contained all my photos dating back as far as I have been able to  take digital photos, has died.  I don't even remember what else was on the drive - 250 Gigs worth.  Windows 8 (which I switched to because it is kinder to my slow computer) is saying that it does not recognise the device.  I have the ones that you Zena have but there were so many more.  More than I needed including duds that I had never deleted.  I hope some of them are in this blog.  Some of them made it to getting burned on CD's but that did not include videos which take up so much more room on.  I have the recent past...the last two or three years.  Hard drives are not that reliable.  Actually nothing is.  I've seen the sliver stuff come off CD's and DVD's or else they are unable to be read by the next DVD drive you upgrade to.  Nostalgia is over rated anyway.  I am getting tired of hanging on to the past.  It beats me why I have spent my life collecting stuff.  Hence my cleaning out spree.  It is not like the boys are going to want much of anything that is in this house.

Not sure what to do about the TV room.  At the moment a lot of the antenna cable is under the temporary carpet and out of sight as it runs its way from one room to the other.  After the carpet is laid (I am assuming that I will get carpet now) I won't be able to tuck cords under it.  In fact it could be quite dangerous as far as tripping up goes so now I have to consider putting in another TV outlet preferably before the carpets are done.  I don't want to deal with that either and I don't want to go to the doctors and get my injection tomorrow and possibly be put on an additional antibiotic.  I don't enjoy it like the others seem to.  I hate thinking tablets and timing of tablets every day with no end in sight.  I'm already starting to forget to take the second dose of Clarithromycin.  And if I don't take it with quite a bit of food, I do have gut problems with it. I skipped last night's dose because the morning dose gave me diarrhea but it seems to have been a "one off".

This is such a dribble of a post.  Goodnight.

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