Brett and S and Cohen went to her mother's for Christmas Lunch and Scott and I did not visit till the afternoon to give them all their presents from us and my Mum and my sister. Can't say I was made to feel very welcome and I was lucky to get given a tiny Pixie photo of Cohen and the explanation from Brett that they could not afford a present for me. Everywhere you looked in that place there were presents for everyone else.

Once again, Brett was nursing an injury - this time a foot. The trailer at work fell on his foot.

But now there is no work and no trailers and there will be no more living in that unit at Kings Beach because they are behind in their rent and the family is breaking down.

We do not know where Cohen will end up. S's Mum is moving to Harvey Bay in April and the word is that S will be back at her Mum's place with baby in tow by the end of the day. Brett has already moved his main gear back home with me where we already have a portable cot set up for more of Cohen's visits. But he is planning on moving in with K again which is where he was living when he first met S.

As for next Christmas, Cohen's second, anything could happen because there is certainly no guarantee it will be a family one for us. If this family breaks up permanently, then Cohen's life will be like Connor's. He will end up wherever his Mum ends up until he is old enough to choose his own environment. Our environment dictates our future, our education, our habits, our brainwashing, and choosing our environment it is the most important decision we can make for ourselves. You can change everything by changing your environment or you can stay with the "same old, same old" by being a creature of habit living in your comfort zone.

The advice, therefore, is to place yourself in an environment that will encourage you to be what you want to be. So what is it that you want to be? Or, what is it that you don't want to be? And where on earth can you best place yourself in order to get just that?

Baal HaSulam talked a lot about the importance of environment, so if you are interested in a Kabbalistic point of view click here.

2009 is off and running with further suffering.

So far there's been war in Gaza, recession, bad choices over buying cars, the re-separation of the parents of my first grandchild if only in living arrangements, one-upmanship in the game of "get even" between the parents of my second grandchild, jobloss for both sons, the continuation of ill-health, more from the orange people, useless Avon campaigns, virtual meetings, men who take more than they give and ebay purchases. I've seen both sons cry and I still have not got to go camping. It has been like some sort of a refuge at my place where babies, homeless people and users stay way beyond their welcome while contributing little to peace or financial support to the household. The house has been overrun with mice and is once again clean. My virtual world is more important than the physical one I live in. My teeth continue to decay. My knees don't like the air conditioner but "There is None Else Beside Him" so all is well in 2009.

Looking Back To 2003

I don't think anyone comes to this blog but for me looking back at the first few entries, I realise how much my life has changed except for one thing - Rob is still in it. I am not sure why because we have hurt each other terribly over the years and both of us want things our own way but I still have not been able to commit to him and still do not want to live with him unless I have to for some other reason.

Back in the early days of this blog I was stressed and ill. I still get ill but my stress levels are much improved but only because I do not participate in life nearly as much as I did before when i was constantly battling pain and fatigue. Now, I allow the pain and fatigue and act accordingly If I am well and happy I take some risks and become outgoing once again and I have half a chance of getting to that stage because I no longer work apart from selling Avon. The sad news is that I have also had many extended bad runs where pain and lack of moving and dizzy things has proved too much stress on top of doing Avon. So Avon was always a love hate thing. When Rob and I did not see each other for a couple of years on a regular basis, Avon was there. But Avon and Rob have also been big headaches when they are there.

I can say that this year for the first time, I do not feel as much like a mother nor the need to mother. The kids and their female mates had babies, separated, got back together when it was convenient, and came and went from my house until this year where I only see Scott on weekends, Connor even less. Their life crises are no longer mine which is a big difference. Ofcourse there are family crises and family get togethers and we may come closer together at those times. Mum and Debbie visited this year and for the first time, rented their own place around the corner to get away from my smoking. Scott had really only just left to live with his father (and Ange) again so he came back to my place for an extended period. Brett and Stacey and finally settled after leaving Windbourne apartments at Golden Beach and then moving on from Scott's ex caravan at Tripcony to Kings Beach Chequers apartments where Cohen started to be born. The move to Kings Beach severed a lot of habitual obligations that involved my car and running them around. The phase of me being at the kids beck and call seems to be finally over at 53. But I had better not speak too soon. But the truth is that I prefer my extra freedom and fewer responsibilities. I can much better take care of my own needs - or those of my body on my own, but I guess as the years go by I will be needing help.

I've enjoyed a bit of camping and site seeing over the last couple of years mostly with Rob and my spiritual needs seemed to be being met by A course in Miracles and more specifically Paul Tuttle's audio lessons. That's when Karla came into my life in a big way and her barely functioning Jamie who her life revolves around, except on weekends.

Gone are the days of doing self-development or metaphysical courses outside of Caloundra and gone are the days of meditations at fancy-Bhuddist-monk-named Victor's place in Taylor Street locally. This year I started studying Bnei Baruch Kabbalah and without a doubt it has much more importance to me than any of those other things combined, yet I thought those other things were important to my evolution - the expansion of something in me that has led me to something which I can't quite explain why it has grabbed my attention so much. I know it is going to satisfy my need to be needed but I hope it is a lot more than that one obviously egotistical reason. But here in this place where I am at, I can actually say G-d is fantastic and I think I am getting over quite a bit of anger I had towards that concept. I used to think I was being punished by my ill health no matter what anyone else said in any circle that I have attended. I am alone in a face-to-face kind of way with my attraction to authentic Kabbalah but when I was just learning from Paul Tuttle's voice and talking about it with Karla who always confused me with her intertwined talks about her experiences with aliens and ascended masters, I remember telling her that suddenly I felt like I needed a group. I did try the Way of the Heart group and the local ACIM group but they held no lasting attraction. I had become more or less a loner in my spiritual endeavours except for Karla and the sense of "virtual" connection I have now is actually quite deep despite not knowing any of the thousands of them personally. It is quite necessary though. And this group is growing like wild-fire and their teachings are still being revealed in English because there is still a lot to translate from Hebrew. There is a lot to translate into all the world's languages. But people keep offering to help and the group grows and their teachings spread. It is fascinating to watch and a blessing to be a part of.

Yes, my life has changed since 2003

Jowls and chins are disgusting but that's what has happened to me. Thank you.

T
Together we can make it out of here.

Near Seven Mile Diggings Nanango, Anzac Day 2008

Cohen Darren was born to Brett and Stacey on 13th April 2008 in the early hours of the morning.
He's gorgeous.

Gmail - Earth Hour 2008 Newsletter

Gmail - Earth Hour 2008 Newsletter

I start my New Years Resolution Tomorrow. To go to a gym for the next 12 months. I am a huge 72.5kg and I am blaming Men O Pause.

UPDATE:  I had to cancel my membership at the gym on medical reasons after a couple of months.  I was too sick from the exertion.  It's a shame, I really enjoyed the walking machines with their music videos. Post-exertion malaise they call it in ME/CFS circles.  

Dress up Balloons
Brett and I made one each for Connor. It is a little kit that I bought from Avon for about $2. Connor was not particularly exited about it all but Brett and I had fun. Connor was happy to take one home with him though. Brett wanted the other one to "dress-up" the garage which is where they spend a lot of time chilling out and watching TV. Oscar, their cat is only allowed in the garage and he has already caught one mouse. They actually call him oozz as in the short oo sound as in book. They are very attached to him. Andy has known Oozz for a while now so everything is OK there too. 

Connor and Scott's visit Today
Scott and Connor came to visit today and stayed for a couple of hours. Finding Nemo was again the DVD of choice when Connor was not playing shuttlecock (five minutes or so), walking Andy with Scott, playing with blocks that I bought at a garage sale, five minutes in the pool (it was too cold for him), and just being nosey. 

Shoes from Avon
These are the shoes I bought from Avon. Comfy, stretchy elastic that look good too. 

Connor Asleep in his Beanbag Bed
The 24 hours that I babysat Connor. 

Babysitting Connor

On Saturday afternoon just gone, Scott was kind enough to bring Connor over for a visit. He usually takes the opportunity to chill out himself so that I am left to keep Connor both entertained and out of mischief. They had been to the beach that morning with another parent of a youngster. We played in my pool a bit, walked the dog, completed a simple peg jigsaw and I introduced Connor to shuttlecock, which sounds a bit rude when Connor says it. I would have to say that shuttlecock was his favorite activity. Although the video does not show it, he did manage to hit the shuttlecock many times so that I could hit it back to him...so we got two satisfying click sounds in a row as the bat and the shuttlecock connected. But Connor was just as happy to hit it toward the sky too, which meant only one click.

Scott and Connor stayed for barbeque rissoles at tea-time. It is good to have a bottle full of gas again. Now Scott, as usual, catches up on his email while here and I noticed he was at RSVP (Australia's largest Internet Dating Service - if you have heard the ads on TV). I am a member there too but not very active although I have had a profile up for years. Scott is new to it. Brenda and I attended a few of their functions locally over the years but she is no longer interested and Scott has never wanted to be seen there with his Mum, so when we noticed that a function was on that night...I suggested he may like to go and I could babysit ALL NIGHT! Well, he went and I set about the task of trying to figure out how I was going to get Connor to sleep in a strange place. DVD's to the rescue..."Finding Nemo" is his favorite. I covered the beanbag in sheets and told Connor it was his bed. He was still awake (but obviously tired) watching movies when at 9.55pm I had the brilliant idea of SEA JELLIES. Remember the DVD screen saver you gave me? Well it worked like a charm...soothing and boring enough to send anyone to sleep! I left it going all night and I snook off to bed.

Now all this took place after the nappy episode. Scott had to go and buy some nappies and bring them back to me for a start but the ones he got were uncomfortably small for Connor. I have been told that he was nappy free during the day, but Saturday did nothing to convince me. Yes, he will pee on command if you take down his clothes but he wee'd through them several times so when he was in MY beanbag, I put on a nappy I had stashed from ages ago (which luckily was not too small!). Then a most wonderous thing happened. Connor was standing there bubbling diarrhea while I was praying that the nappy would hold it in. It was chocka block. Could have been nasty for the carpet and you can bet those nappies Scott bought would not have held it. But I had to put them on next hoping that there would not be a repeat performance. There wasn't!

I woke up the next morning just as Connor did but I was tired and not particularly active. We did the dog walk thing, with a stroller that was pushed sometimes, caught up in the retractable lead sometimes, with Connor in it holding the lead sometimes and on the last leg, the dog was in it. Andy cannot handle the heat even at 7am and he gets asthma or something and I have to carry him ...except this time we had a stroller. The rest of the time (waiting for Scott to come) was mostly more movies which I am so glad occupies Connor (Monsters Inc, Shark Tale, Incredibles but NOT the Sword in the Stone cartoon). There was a bit more shuttlecock and also raisin toast for breakfast.

I was glad to see Scott when he finally arrived closer to lunch time than anything else.

More Christmas Photos

These are the presents from GrandNan and Auntie Debbie - the playmat, the cars and the trucks. He likes the signs and trees best...the little things we should be putting away.

More Christmas Photos
A present from Uncle Brett and Stacey.

Scott short shaved his head just a day or so before Christmas.

The best way to get at the snacks is to get on the table!

A Bobcat from Pop (aka Roger)

This is the watch that came from America via ebay that I gave Scott.