Tuesday, January 24, 2017

I tried Cannabis oil today. I was in agony when I woke up today,

I had two visitors today.  The first was J because I asked her to bring me over a lighter because every single one in the house died last night but I woke up with a stuffed back (lower).  Goodness knows what antics I must have done in my sleep to deserve that but it was epic pain trying to move.  I was up quite early and poor Milo once again thought I was playing because here I was shuffling like a stiff old man and she thought it was an invitation to do her foot play.  I wanted to cry instead.  Sitting was even worse and I only had to move less than a cm before I was calling out in pain.  Being frozen into a position that gives no room for movement has happened to me before over the years.  The very first time it happened 2 weeks after a trampoline twisting injury at Burwood Teacher's College.  It also happened when I was pregnant with Breville at Hogg St, Toowoomba.  The house we were going to buy but got knocked back on the loan at the last minute (aka max stress time)  It has happened since then I think but not very often I am glad to say.  It gets stuck like that more often in my neck but I have had so much pain for the last, say, four days? ....(darn I can't remember anything).....and this acute pain back pain on top of it was just too cruel.  Once again I got out the wheelie walker.  Luckily the Targin worked a bit within 2 hours so once again the suffering after opening my eyes to  the world of reality without pain relief is really starting to get me down and I can't wait to get back to the pain specialist in March...because 2 hours is a long time to put up with peak pain.  But that wasn't enough Targin so I was still yelling every time it caught me off guard - even lifting my arms did it.  It feels like something is making contact as in bone on bone and it is an instant acute but short-lived pain if you obey and stay rigid, not moving.  So rigid I was for a lot of the day.  It feels like my lower back got chilled last night which means it probably got all the way down to 23 C (which is not exactly cold  is it!) for a brief time after dawn and I make a habit of covering up my waist, hip, lower back areas with at least a sheet lest the fan going all night leaves me stiff and sore.

The ceiling fan has been going since last year in my bedroom because I perspire too much without it and that is even worse since I have been having these stupid 37.2 degree mini fevers up from my basal of 36.5.  But I can always feel when I have the "fever".  The entire year so far! Easing off a bit in between and when I take a prednisolone.

 I did not feel the heat as much as this last year because I was amazed at how heat tolerant I thought I had become.  Can't say that this year...... and the presence or absence of this mini fever makes all the difference.  All I can say is that I glory in cool of some nights well after the mosquitoes have gone to bed.  Unfortunately this year seems to be bad for midges though and I don't think they ever go to bed.
 From them I run, but I love being outside late at night if they are not around or there is a high enough breeze.  I have not been outside much at all this Summer.  It is way too hot for me or way too fast before the mosquitoes track me (and Milo) down during the day.  I am still getting bitten daily INSIDE the house and about a week ago I also got bitten by a green ant INSIDE the house and inside my kaftan-like dress on my left hip.  I had a very strange reaction to that bite, it went straight into my hip joint somehow and I still get a pulling pain on that side.  I took anti-histamine but this hip pain was related to the bite no doubt in my mind.  Toxic joints?  Anyway I could live with that but today's been outta sight and bloody cruel with this frozen back.
cut-out scenes etched into metal behind which a light shines through

 Anyway J brought me over a lighter before it got too hot for her and we had a cuppa and chat in between my yelps of pain.  By then I had added anti-inflammatories and paracetamol to the Targin and if I can move even a centimetre that movement very slowly helps me limber up so I would bend down very slowly and gingerly to get a stretch every so often.  I was feeling much improved by the time all the pills had kicked in but waling still hurts and I feel 80 when I try.  Anyway, this too shall pass but I wish I had some cream for my coffee. I have been stuck here nearly all year so that when I go to the ATM or to get smokes for 5 minutes I end up taking photos of what it's like out there on my way home again to give me the impression that I am getting out and about...or something, I don't know why I do it but I actually love looking at them all again so that's a good thing I guess.

Last night after being stuck here all day I drove down to Happy Valley on dusk because it was much cooler in the strong breeze.  I walked around the carpark and that was it, taking photos of course!  I did not bring Milo.

Back on Facebook after J left I got chatting to local ME sufferer K who said she would let me try some "pain relief". She came right over and we met for the first time, had coffee in the air conditioning and yakked a lot about our similar symptoms and experiences with hospitals and doctors (usually useless, traumatic or rude experiences).  I had one tiny drop of this thick black oil that she put on a spoon but it wasn't paste-like as in the way "Phoenix Tears" comes out.  It was home-made by someone else she's friends with so you might think I was taking a risk but I wasn't because I know how it's made.  I am not really sure how much it would have been felt had I not already been on more than my usual dose of pain meds but it was pleasant, relaxing and perhaps helped with the pain but like I said I was already on so much more than usual this morning because I could not bear not to be.  I'd like to try it again before I have even had a Targin and I will buy some one day from the Internet probably.  I reckon it will be properly legal soon.  Not that its legality bothers me as much as it used to because I worry less about everything that I used to worry about and I don't really know if it is a sign of dementia or not that I have changed.  Leave a comment if you happen to know that it is one of the symptoms.  To my mind it is more like I had a mini stroke and it cut off that worry area of my brain that causes butterflies and the dread feeling in my stomach. I feel just fine (until someone tells me otherwise).  I did ask J if she thought I had changed and she said "no".  She doesn't seem to have noticed that I feel differently about her and that there is a protective wall there that I have built just like I had to do with Rob because of lack of faith in their word. Do people tell me the truth I wonder because if they don't I am getting inaccurate feedback and I am a truth lover if nothing else....even if it hurts and even if I resist at first.  I think I can come to terms with just about anything after all this practice facing so many losses so it's not like I have a meltdown every time something goes wrong. Life has been tough.  And a tough life has taught me that suffering is but for a season and that this too shall pass and before you know it, it will be Christmas time again.  Life has been unfair but no-one is to blame.  It just is the way it is.
Solar light info station

I'm going.  I'll add some more of my photos later so y'all come back now.

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