Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The rest of July

I have not really felt like blogging.  I've been struggling.  Struggling to keep up a level of activity so that I don't lose it and resting in between.  But none of it has been very satisfying.
Taken from the Currimundi Life Saving Tower.  Lost a lot of beach!

There was the post-endoscopy elation and adrenaline that kept me wired for a couple of days, the inevitable crash and it has been a repeat of that up-down cycle ever since.  I even thought that I was going to be able to build up the distance I could walk but I was ignoring warning signs in order to last those three days.  I had huge problems trying to warm up my legs.  The cold was so painful and only artificial heat would do the job and I could sit on an electric blanket for hours before my knee and thigh skin would be warm to touch.  That symptom has passed the extreme phase now.  I am not complaining about the cold any more than S who is here once again.  Third day so far.  Uninvited.

I've also been very teary at times.  The very next day after the anesthetic was the worst.  I have been in a lot of bad moods but I have also taken another cut in dose of Lovan.  I am now only taking just over 1mg.  Yesterday I read some recent research suggesting that this very drug is also acting as an anti-retroviral which could suggest that I have been more unwell over the last two years because I have not been on a therapeutic dose of Lovan.  Yet I also read about how anything that interferes with seratonin is bad news.  It is so hard to know what to do about anything and that I find very disheartening.  It seems like no-one knows anything about anything and that the whole of life is guesswork.
Entrance to Currimundi Lake and Drop Zone

I was very pleased to have the energy to deal with my car.  It started with a flat battery while S was still here last time.  A night on the charger did nothing to help but then I found out that the charger was not putting out enough volts.  RACQ sent me down to the Kings Beach Service Centre to get it tested after me getting jump started and driving around a bit to charge it up but it failed the test.  It was six years old.  They charged $185 for a no maintenance battery with a three year warranty.  Well bugger me!  I was not expecting that much.  They reminded me about the tyres that were illegal and I decided to do them the same day.  Bob Jane All-rounders on the front with wheel balance and alignments paid for for the next 6 months cost $265.  That went on my credit card.  Broke fortnight and little chance of me getting up to see B for his birthday on Friday now if I was well enough to go.  He actually was doing a job at Roger's when S was here to babysit me through the colonoscopy.  He was there for over a week so the boys actually saw each other.  I so miss not seeing Cohen.  I caught up with Connor again on the Friday after hospital.  He went back to Kin Kin with S for the weekend and Roger returned him on the Sunday. 
Currimundi Lake at 8:30am

I have been able to get out with my camera several times and to the shops once (apart from groceries).  I went for breakfast at Currimundi Lake with Jan, took myself off to Happy Valley for bacon and eggs on the BBQ one cold morning and went for a bit of a stroll at Diamond Head so all in all July has been a relatively active month for me but it is not enough to give my life a sense of purpose - whatever that feels like.  I've forgotten.  In between the days that I have been able to get out for a while I have had days in bed watching movies.  At the moment I am also crocheting in bed - spurred on by my friends on the Internet.
At Diamond Head

I am finishing off July with a really annoying symptom.  I have had 6 days of a nerve twitching on and off in my left eye lid.  It is not bad enough for anyone to notice.  I still have not got any results from the biopsies.  I phoned last week so I had better phone again.
Happy Valley Breakfast at 7am

I feel a different kind of unwell today.  It started yesterday.  It is not just post-exertion.  It feels even more fluey with the heart-racing stuff.  I can't help wondering if S has brought a germ into the house.  He has been here since Saturday and may not be leaving until tomorrow.  He went to Brisbane on Saturday straight from Gympie via the train looking at a rental place he thought he was interested in until he went there.  He wanted to borrow my car and had Roger phone to ask me because now both of their cars are unregistered.  I said "no".  I let him use it yesterday to go to the doctor locally.  He wanted something for anxiety and came home with samples of Effexor XR.  It's an anti-depressant that I have been on in the past.  I don't know if he is going to stick with them but he is already so calm this visit.  He is not in any distress about anything.  A nice surprise.
Happy Valley
Relatively speaking, apart from the paralyzing anxiety leading up to the endoscopies, July has probably been the most active month that I have had this year.  Small improvements do not seem enough at the time and I am not getting very far from home before having to return and I have had to abandon plans many times by leaving the supermarket early etc and I am sick of taking photos of the same places over and over but I think I am supposed to be grateful.  I know many others would kill to have the July that I have had while they remain house bound but I want more - much more out of my life than payback for getting out.  I also have to admit that when I do get out, the housework gets neglected because it is always a trade-off.  I have not needed to use the scooter.
Zooming through Bribie Island across to Golden Beach and the Glasshouse Mountains

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