Got to get away from that person who is living with me and won't leave so I end up taking and making movies and sleeping in the car.

 

Brett made a mess of the streets yesterday.

I got a phonecall, please come and get me and Cohen and Lauren. I have totalled my car. I was thinking of going camping and had a car full of gear but Brett could sit on the seat with no leg room since Scott refused to let me drive his car. Scott has been like that a lot lately...refusing outright to help out when I request something. But I will get back to that. For the moment, Brett had my attention but he being deliberately hard to get along with towards me, I don't think I got the full story. He didn't want to talk about it.

It seems Brett was approaching the lights entering the main street of downtown Caloundra when the lights went green and he ran into the towbar of a ladies car because she did not go when the lights went green and he turned his head for a split second. He managed to scratch her car a bit but even though it was amazingly slow speed, his Commadore caved in and totalled the car. It was the bumper bar that dropped to the ground a couple of weeks ago. A shop car park prang by another tow bar. But this time, apparently there was tranmission fluid everywhere and the front was smashed in way past the bumper bar and into the motor area and that is why the clean up crew were there on the road. By the time I got there the tow truck and already taken Brett's car away to the impound wreckers. I saw an ambulance too but obviusly my family were fine. They were all waiting under the shelter of Computer Corner because it had been a very hot day.

 

Picasa Web Albums - zzirf - Eumundi: "http://www.youtube.com/v/kc23UAe11Os"

I don't see much of Brenda these days. Been a long time since we regularly kept contact. I was the one who initiated the phone conversations for the most part, and now I rarely ring her because I am no longer an Avon Lady and that was our main point of contact in the last two years. Once in a while I will call in going past her house but more often than not, she is out anyway. Her lovely house and plants are still an attraction. Brenda seems to have lots of other friends, her customers and her spiritual interests of sorts and when Sharon and John broke up she also got her daughter back for a while at least. I think Sharon has moved on now though with new people in her life.

Confusing times for B - Fun one day, drama and disaster the next

Wanting to be closer to his family and friends, he leaves his Dad's, plays in other relationships with the vengeance and jealousy game, lives here, Nick's and back at Honky's place in the garage, grieves, parties, gets drunk, get's drunk and get's drunk, watches Honky and Cohen with other men, get's drunk, hands all his money (credit card) over to Honky for Cohen, punishes himself, lives with no money for a month, then decides to go with all he has got (petrol and clothes) away in the car to never come back. Did I mention he was drunk?

He spends his last $ on pizza because S talked us into putting in for Pizza Capers

Then, the phone rings, he grabs his bag of stuff I insisted he take and he drives off into the night

Did I mention he was drunk? Did I mention that his Dad has been trying to get him back to work for him and B has refused?

Next thing I know, Honky is here with her articulate backup lady friend demanding B's plastic and because we (S and I) refuse to hand it over, the arguments begin. I tell them to leave and wonder what ever will become of B driving in such a state. She comments on how terrible a father Brett would be if he did not give her all his money for the fortnight and even worse that he did not take the photo of his own son, and then she pinches the photo back.

I found out what happened a day or so ago, when B came back here to live out his nights in the garage on my camp stretcher using my EEEPC on Facebook and last night entertaining Cohen too. The cot is still not put away which is typical.

That night of the drive away ended in Brisbane which was the halfway petrol point, either come home or keep going and stop where the petrol ran out and live out the next fortnight. It seems he came to his senses but still in a rage of grief and vengeance over the latest Honky boyfriend, he got the car up to 210 k/h in a half-hearted attempt to commit suicide. He backed off and was doing 160 when the speed camera went flash! I wonder how long it will take for that to catch up with him.

The drama continues via the constant mobile phone calls and text messages and motherly advice and unappreciative responses but perhaps something changed in him because as of yesterday, he is mobile servicing business under his own steam and not his Dad's - having been given the van to make a go of it. One day of work and now it is weekend party time again and you can bet that being Friday night, he is drunk again. And probably Lauren is still caught up in the triangle because she is pretty keen on Brett. I pity that girl.

Dam Land

Years later, the proposed Traveston Dam has not been approved right down the line, yet land in the area is now owned by the Government. There are stressed and displaced people as a result and some lucky ones who could not resist deals offered below but what is all the land for if the dam does not go ahead? How can peoples' lives be uprooted for something that is not viable? On Oct 6th the Co-ordinator General approved Stage 1 but subjected its approval to 1200 conditions which must be met to mitigate social and environmental concerns. Stage 2 has not been approved. 1200 conditions at what cost I ask? Can taxpayers afford to meet the conditions? How expensive will the water be as a result? Is it feasible to meet the conditions? Would another site have far fewer conditions?

As for the land that has already been bought, here are some of the statements made back in August 2009:

"SUGGESTIONS of secret land dealings underlying the Traveston Crossing dam proposal ...........And dam opponents yesterday reacted angrily to criminal damage to anti-dam signs, including several on private property. Vandalism concerns coincided with land grab suggestions from anti-dam activists, who questioned why the government would spend so much public money, buying so much land, for a project that has not been approved, even by the Queensland Government." Source http://www.gympietimes.com.au/story/2009/08/19/suspicion-on-signs/

"The paper (Courier Mail) broke the news that the government had paid $25.3 million for a 973ha Bollier Park cattle property, while leasing it back to its former owners for $20 a week. It is a deal typical of what has occurred throughout the dam area. CONCERNS by the Auditor General at low rentals on leaseback properties were a major part of the new information in yesterday's Brisbane front page. The article prompted renewed concern in other media, including the ABC, which has frequently been noted for its effective coverage locally and on Brisbane radio. Opposition Infrastructure spokesperson and Gympie MP David Gibson accused the government of wasting millions of taxpayers' dollars buying properties for a project which, as anti-dam activists have frequently said, has not yet been approved, even by the Queensland Co-ordinator General." Source: http://www.gympietimes.com.au/story/2009/08/20/finally-rent-set-by-government/ Aug 20th 2009

Dam activists upset over sign vandalism Gympie Environment Environmental News in Gympie Gympie Times

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SUGGESTIONS of secret land dealings underlying the Traveston Crossing dam proposal ......................

And dam opponents yesterday reacted angrily to criminal damage to anti-dam signs, including several on private property. Vandalism concerns coincided with land grab suggestions from anti-dam activists, who questioned why the government would spend so much public money, buying so much land, for a project that has not been approved, even by the Queensland Government.

Traveston Dam will Destroy the Mary River and the Mary Valley

While I was at Kadanga railway station, I visited the Save the Mary River Information Centre. Actually I visited a number of times. Since then Anna Bligh has once again announced that the Traveston Dam is going ahead but it is a totally unofficial statement made out to be official. Friends of the Mary River are still hoping that common sense will rule and they lay their hopes with Mr Garrett. How money can be spent on something in advance of any final ruling beats me but land purchases and road works have been underway for a couple of years. People have already lost their homes except for the ones who are prepared to fight to the bitter end. Others have been scared into submission. That land is now owned by the Government so I wonder what is really going on - not that I myself understand these things. Is there another reason that this land is being collected? And on a personal note, how would you like your relatives burial ground to be submerged under water? I also wonder what the original occupants of the land think. They were the Kabi people.

What I do know from the facts presented at the Information Centre is that the dam is not viable and the tax payers money would be better spent on our long awaited hospital because hospital services on the Sunshine Coast are overtaxed and are also causing needless heartache and inefficient responses to emergencies. Fatigued doctors are making mistakes in surgery and being a public patient is becoming a risk to one's health! I could also go on about the disincentive of the life-time health care loading to those who have had to forgo their private hospital insurance at some stage. There is no way we can get back into the scheme now. Anyway that is another story.

Getting back to the dam(n)ing of the Mary River,

I am not happy about the way that we have been led to believe that the Mary River Turtle, the Mary River Cod, and the Queensland Lungfish are to be sufficiently catered for. An untested turtle ramp and an already 'proven as inefficient' "fish ladder" (Paradise Dam has one but there is insufficient water to operate it at most times and the fish are not proving to be intelligent enough to use it when there has been sufficient water) do not convince me that these vulnerable species are not going to end up extinct. I cannot be placated by such psuedo efforts performed at the tax payers expense.

If North Pine Dam is any example, then any environmental disasters involving our native species are going to be played down anyway. How many people know of the mass fish kill of the Queensland Lungfish that took place not too long ago? The photos showing dead, dying and injured Lungfish at the Information Centre are heartbreaking. I urge you to visit the Information Centre and find out the facts rather than remain in the dark like I was before the visit and my subscription to the Dam Busters newsletter. All the work has been done for you, the information collected, the petitions and letters ready for your signature.

Kadanga is a lovely little town worth the visit and if you would like to see some more photos, click below on my album at picasa.

kadanga

This is Kadanga Railway Station on the weekend of August 15th 2009. I was taking a video with the DV cam I bought Scott for his birthday to come, leaning against a stable platform of the utility room building so that I could get a half decent movie of the Mary Valley Rattler pulling in. However, the train slowed down and because I was busy looking at the LCD screen, I did not notice the waving arm of the Engine Driver telling me to get out of the way. The train slowed right down a the second from the front rubbish bin and it was not until a voice behind me said "get out of the way lady, he won't come in until you move" that I was forced to ruin the rest of the movie and move the camera resulting in a topsy turvy shoot requiring editing and no steady movie of the train going past. I was hoping to upload the movie to a site where you get a dollar or two for movies purchased via that site.

I have not got much hope of holding a camera still enough for a professional looking clip with my hands alone so I will have to use a tripod from now on. The other videos I took show the necessity of that.

The big surprise that on this train, there were people I knew who I bumped into at the tiny market setup around the station. It was Connor, his other grandparents and his cousins (I assume). Nice surprise!

I then went on to meet up with Connor in particular at Imbil station about half an hour down the track. Jan was with me and it was great to see Connor waving out the window of the train in anticipation of seeing Nanoo once again. He ran to me but soon after was more interested in climbing this tree with all the other kids around.

Jan and I went back to Island Reach and our tents after our train chasing day together and Jan had a nice sleep and then proceeded to prepare for our camp fire which she lit on her own. I'd had enough of camp fires by then anyway. They just add to the amount of work a tired and sore body has to do. I was glad that R didn't come up for the weekend because I think I would have been really peeved if they had shared a tent and a bed together as they had done over a year ago on a similar camping weekend at this same location. It turns out I am not so good at sharing men. Actually it turns out that I do not need a man at all (except for spiritual reasons).

Anyway here is the link to the other train video I took. You will probably have to pause it while it downloads. And here is the link to the camp fire video.

My new second-hand Camry is just out of statutory warranty and I used up a lot of that time getting away... back to Imbil for a couple of weeks in my tent, in an attempt to liven up this body of mine. The 1996 Camry CSi is lovely to drive and once I had recovered enough, I did a bit of day tripping to Kadanga, Amamoor, Traveston Crossing, Gympie, Kenilworth, Gueeralla, Brooloo, and back home via Obi Obi and Mapleton. I need to do the Moy Pocket Road the full distance next time and I would like to check out another Mary Valley Railway town called Dagun but I think I will skip on visiting the camp site at Mapleton Forest reserve also called Gueerella because I scraped my car on that 4wd track underneath.

I thought I was doing the right thing putting the car through its paces and checking for overheating etc during the warranty period but it seems I voided the warranty when I drove over 1000 km. Bad, bad, bad, since I have been informed that the car still has another oil leak and a coolant leak which are not covered by the extended warranty either. Doesn't anyone care that I was sold an unroadworthy car? Fair trading said it would mean court expenses to me. So that's the end of that isn't it because I have already started this fortnight repaying last fortnight's overdraft.

So I not only came home to this rude shock, but also to find that the elder one had been sleeping in my garden shed for two nights and has decided to move back in with me. It does not seem like I have a choice. He is not making it out there without a job. And without a job, I have not got much patience with him. It is a large burden financially for me too when he has absolutely nothing but debt. We have locked horns several times already. At least he seems a bit more stable-minded than prior months.

I managed to connect to BB with mobile broadband from Imbil a few times but it wasn't enough to not fall behind with my responsibilities which were constantly on my mind, but finances would not allow any more contact and the physical demands of looking after the body in a tent situation were intentionally the priority, hoping to gain back a little more stamina via exercise. It was a nice environment but my body is still battling and the flu aches and raised glands continue on regardless.

Now that I am back home, the more sedantary lifestyle is not agreeing with my body any better but I am pushing myself a lot to keep up with the demands of BB and especially the women's virtual component and all our study exercises. It still all seems too much but try as I may, I cannot seem to abandon them and the message of Kabbalah is going to haunt me for a long time I think.

It's nice to have a non-groaning bed to sleep in - camp stretchers make a noise every time you move and I am so sore right now that I am going to hop in to my bed and sleep a couple more hours hoping for a stronger day tomorrow.

I have heaps of photos and a renewed interest in working to stop the Traveston Dam but I am too tired right now to get into it.

But I will sleep with a smile thinking about Seth Breitman and Mark who just ran their second and last question and answer kabbalah celebration live via ustream and spoke to the people in just the right way as to not appear to be "religious freaks". Any new interested student would have been encouraged today and I hope I may have helped a bit too despite being told by another Brenda (kli) that attending would be a backwards step. I was there for support and I do not see that as backwards.

I don't think anyone subscribes to this blog any more but I write to remind me of my own story - because to tell you the truth I forget my life once it is past. There always seems to be another level to deal with and get involved with.

It's been a car year, the 1986 Camry Hatch seemingly falling to bits in front of my eyes yet still running a good motor and believe it or not - it's original Air Denso Air Con which I have NEVER needed to regas. So the search began for a replacement but the first contender failed miserably mainly because it was a Magna, but also because I hardly ever drove it even with its persistent miss. I reregistered it for 6 months till Oct only because I thought it was going to replace the Camry. But that delusion did not last for long. A couple of months ago, I decided to go into credit card debt in order to have a reliable car for getting away in. I want to go camping and I began looking at 4 cylinder Korean wagons. In fact I put a deposit on a Hyndai Lantra Sportswagon and was very close to putting another deposit on a second one but Vehicle Inspections suggested that the second one may have been prone to motor problems because of sludgey oil - yet now I find out that Repco Inspections in Caloundra as opposed to Clontarf, do not reject a car because of that saying that all old cars get that way. We are talking 1996 - 2000 models cars (13 to 9 year old cars). I was influenced by the report that cost $150 and advised me by voice only that "I would not buy that car even at $4000". The report itself simply had a cross against condition of oil and transmission fluids. There were also many lights out but they got fixed under the replacement safety certificate inspection. Anyway, it sold on ebay to a happy buyer - it was a nice car to drive but it could have been prettier on the interior.

The Daewoo Nabira Eurowagon at $7000 with trade was unbelievably immaculate with low miles, so low as to be new, was a big temptation but at the time I was worried about Daewoo going under and the availability of parts. The cost was going to mean 2 credit card debts maxed out at first, but I also knew that I could get the same wagon for a lot cheaper but could never figure out how many kilometres equaled how many extra thousands taken of the price. You could buy a high km used 1998 model for $4000 at Warana but I did not like the feeling of the steering. In fact all the cars I was interested seemed to feel not quite right because i was sensitive to every noise or clunk or movement. There seems to always be something to fault in a used car. The Mazda 323 was my first experience with all the mod cons but there was no way you could sleep in the back of one stretched out. The Commodore 4 cylinder wagon belonging to Pelican Motors was the cheapest but it had a knock in the rear shockies. The Kia Rio Hatch I also could not lay a matress in and it was also a manual but it was nice to drive at back up at $7000.

Then I discovered 4 cylinder 4wds especially the reliability of the Toyota Rav 4 but I never found an auto locally and there was again no room in the back even with the seats down. So I thought I would pick the more adventurous option the Ssangyong Musso but the Mercedes driveline meant expensive parts and ofcourse it was a V6. I actually changed my mind after my day dreaming of joining a 4 x 4 club because of the costs and I found the Toyota Camry Sedan Csi 1996 with a not so bad 118, 000 on the clock. I could actually sleep in the back via an opening through into the boot when the seats were laid down but it's test drive revealed brake shudder which lead to another inspection which discovered unattended to road worthy items that would have cost me $1000 to fix. It was going to cost $5680 with my hatch as a trade-in - a whole $200 off. That hatch was certainly worth more than that to me - I have had from 1997 to yesterday, 2009.

Anway I enjoyed that car's solid feel and was advised by Caloundra Suspension Centre's new owner Max to buy the car if the dealership would fix the fluid leaks and machine the brake rotors to get rid of the shudder. Pacific Ford made me wait 2 days before they decided whether they would come to the party or not, or rather, they kept me waiting 2 days which did not really matter because I was once again too crook and tired to care about doing anything but sleep for the next 2 days. I suspected that they would be like Sunny Coast Auto Auctions and say "we can't afford to fix it, come get your deposit back so we can wholesale it after the last day of the month."

However, in the meantime, Marina from Harvey Bay offered a really tempting deal including carrying me interest-free for some, on an A1 1997 Ford Explorer 4wd and once again I dreamed of camping in it with its extra space and totally flat seat fold downs allowing for the best mobile bed I could hope for. I knew I could get out of the Camry contract since they had already said I could have my deposit back if I did not want to wait for their verdict from their mechanic. But I had said that I wanted the car fixed. After all, it was a Toyota Camry and it would last and it would be economical to run - but since I was not likely to get it now, I allowed myself to dream of the Ford Explorer and was very close to taking it as a gift from the Universe and once again, Rob was pushing me into taking on the added expense of a 4wd by saying at the least "I can see you in one of those - eg Toyota Rav 4 or the Ssangyong and now the Explorer). But once again my research revealed a big drawback - if the Ford Explorer turned into a Ford Exploder which seemed to be common (at least under Australian conditions) then it would cost $4000 for that one repair. Bugger it, if I want to sleep on a flat mobile bed, I now may have to get a camper trailer.

Yesterday I picked up the Camry after its repairs from Pacific Ford and took it back to Cal suspension centre and waited for a free, post-repair follow up vehicle inspection. He gave me the OK to buy this car I now own as long as it had a steam clean of the engine to remove the oil still left over from the tappit gasket replacement - the same thing my Hatch Camry needed. while the engine was getting cleaned, I came back home for a couple of hours and arranged my fully comprehensive insurance changeover and chatted with Debbie on gmail chat or google talk about the car. Back at the car yard there was more paper work, more signatures, and this time the money, registration and car keys changed hands. I also received wads more to read about what is covered by middle of the road extended warranty and road side assist for 3 years. Their dealings were the most professional I had come across so far but they were not easy to convince into getting the car up to scratch. Unless that was part of the game.

If it was a game and in fact I did pay too much for the car with all the extras including registration until April next year (which is a good month for getting bonus dollars), I am now glad it is over and done with. My car buying experience was so stressful and so unfathonable as to what and how the force of bestowal was playing itself out in my life. Well this is where I am and this is what I have been given - a nice clean, white, 2.2 litre Camry sedan that has cruise control, central locking and an immobiliser key system. I have a tow bar and tinted windows and so far the only thing I do not like is the rear tinted window seems blurry to me and seems to shake. Hoperfully my upcoming wheel alignment at Cal Suspension Centre will fix any rear vibration.

Rob is stuck with saying again that "She decided without my advice" but once again I suspected that his advice was more to his benefit than mine and I hope he pays back the $200 he owes me tomorrow for that stupid purchase of a Toyota Tarago that is going to cost heaps to road worthy and sits out the front of my house despite it now being unregistered. I reckon it should end up as a permanent camp site at Imbil or Donnybrook rather than a car or turn it into a trailer but Rob has it advertised in tomorrow's paper to sell unregistered and i hope for Flora's sake as well as mine that it is sold.

I'm going to have to do the same thing with the Magna - advertise it unregistered but right now Scott has it because he cannot pay his road worthy. Tina also needs to borrow a car for a couple of weeks while her car gets something done but I am not sure Scott will be finished with it by then. But as it stands, A got the most benefit out of that car and but it's involvment with the neighbouhood backyard mechanic who gave me the long-term flu (yes him still too) , was probably the worst thing that could happen because I lost a friend. I'd already lost respect in A. long before that when it came to other people's property. Actually, I suck as much as A. in other ways but I have friends who will give me every opportunity to join with them changing our suckfulness into something that is going to benefit the evolution of mankind and the planet. They are the most important influence i can have but I still have to keep reminding myself that. I would recommend this mutual benefit society to anyone and A. needs a good influence in her life too and joining a group of people who agree not to do those sort of usery things with each other is a good place to start. Bnei Baruch is such a group. Google it.

Inside my tent
Kookaburra at Peach Trees Camp
Kilcoy camp
Jan's rear in Imbil
Ken's home Imbil till his Phillipine's trip
Yabba Creek at Island Reach Camping Grounds
The camp fire
Jan being cheeky
My crazy hair when camping
Yabba Creek again
Wayne fishing for turtle, I mean Bass
Barry living out what's left in a caravan park
Rob loves his food no matter where he is
An extra shelter for rain
Jimna Tourist Information Centre, Museum, Garage Sale, Pie and coffee shop, Ice supplier and Home of the Jimna Fire Tower Action Group

I finally got to go camping this year.  Imbil and Jimna so far.

I went to Jimna at first by myself and then later Rob turned up which cramped my style as well as my gut although at least I got to find out and become a supporter of the Jimna Fire Tower Action Group because of his interest in quizzing Dave at the Info Centre and eating his concrete pies.  I have made JFTAG a Facebook page because I would hope to see it saved and turned into self-funded tourist attraction rather then being demolished. Rob has been spending most of his time since, in the Gympie surrounds with Len and Val helping with his bee hives.  I have never met them but Rob has been keen to give Len top priority.  I am glad he is having fun.

I'm trying to upload some more photos but it's not working.

Jan came with me to Imbil for the Labor Day Long Weekend but I stayed on after she came back home.  I was actually too crook to pack up the tent.  The next day it was sopping wet from the rain so I didn't go home again and I hoped I would bump into Wayne again too who I met the day Jan left fishing on the bank.  But I sort of messed up that opportunity by not turning up on the third night to his campfire and missed out on sausages he had kept for me, and the fire that was guaranteed not to end up smoking in your face. He said that he would take me out in Caloundra sometime so we exchanged phone numbers but mine has since been cancelled because I nearly got caught up in a non-existant phone deal with Telstra for 24 months and finally I got out of it this week and the number is now defunct.

Cohen's First Easter and a Love Animation

It worked out that I have family here for Easter.  Isn't that nice.  Here I am with Cohen's very first Easter.  Scott was asked to babysit, he is staying here through Easter and then heading back to tenting it with or without Connor and Ange.

Brett left here owing money and we have been somewhat estranged since he and Stacey agreed to live together for the sake of Cohen (my assumption) and have ended up in Kawana, in the downstairs flat section of Stacey's Nana's place.  I knew that neither would last long at Stacey's mother's place but as it turns out, it has only been a couple of weeks since I saw Cohen and it is nice to have him here for Easter.

Brett has since turned up after his night out at Jayne and Chubba's engagement party.  He has come here a couple of times in the last couple of days because he has been organising the music for the dinner part and the lively aftermath on Scott's laptop and Scott has been happy to run him around in his car.  

It seems that Brett and Stacey had their night out apart which is starting to become a habit that could be hard to break.  But families should stay together and do what they did when things were "nice" and together.  

So right now, I have both my boys and one of my grandson's here for Easter Sunday and I

 think that is a blessing.  Cohen is walking non-stop, even when he is eating chocolate Easter Bunny, so he has to be followed around with a rag.  I had some exercise for the day.

And now, everything is peaceful.  Brett is snoozing, Cohen is sleeping in the portacot, Scott is finally sitting in front of the TV and I am listening to the story of Ego Exodus because its  Pesach on www.kab.tv

No, I am not Jewish, but Kabbalah sure explains a lot of Jewish customs and I sure do not put Jews down in the name of Christianity any more like I was taught to - because they were evil in not recognizing Jesus.  I see everything blending into one United whole as my life continues despite resisting it when I first noticed back as a kid that I would lose my identity as a Presbyterian and be lumped in with the Methodists who were evil because they were allowed to drink (not that I think like that today).  There is no way I wanted a Uniting church.  And I would have thought the end of the world had come if they ever amalgamated with the Roman Catholics who worshipped a pope instead of God. But actually I knew nothing back then of the perceptual prison that my environment was.

It's not very often the two grandsons see each other lately but it happened yesterday evening when Connor turned up with someone totally unexpected.

The video is on youtube

This is a message from Nanoo to Cohen

Brett and S and Cohen went to her mother's for Christmas Lunch and Scott and I did not visit till the afternoon to give them all their presents from us and my Mum and my sister. Can't say I was made to feel very welcome and I was lucky to get given a tiny Pixie photo of Cohen and the explanation from Brett that they could not afford a present for me. Everywhere you looked in that place there were presents for everyone else.

Once again, Brett was nursing an injury - this time a foot. The trailer at work fell on his foot.

But now there is no work and no trailers and there will be no more living in that unit at Kings Beach because they are behind in their rent and the family is breaking down.

We do not know where Cohen will end up. S's Mum is moving to Harvey Bay in April and the word is that S will be back at her Mum's place with baby in tow by the end of the day. Brett has already moved his main gear back home with me where we already have a portable cot set up for more of Cohen's visits. But he is planning on moving in with K again which is where he was living when he first met S.

As for next Christmas, Cohen's second, anything could happen because there is certainly no guarantee it will be a family one for us. If this family breaks up permanently, then Cohen's life will be like Connor's. He will end up wherever his Mum ends up until he is old enough to choose his own environment. Our environment dictates our future, our education, our habits, our brainwashing, and choosing our environment it is the most important decision we can make for ourselves. You can change everything by changing your environment or you can stay with the "same old, same old" by being a creature of habit living in your comfort zone.

The advice, therefore, is to place yourself in an environment that will encourage you to be what you want to be. So what is it that you want to be? Or, what is it that you don't want to be? And where on earth can you best place yourself in order to get just that?

Baal HaSulam talked a lot about the importance of environment, so if you are interested in a Kabbalistic point of view click here.

2009 is off and running with further suffering.

So far there's been war in Gaza, recession, bad choices over buying cars, the re-separation of the parents of my first grandchild if only in living arrangements, one-upmanship in the game of "get even" between the parents of my second grandchild, jobloss for both sons, the continuation of ill-health, more from the orange people, useless Avon campaigns, virtual meetings, men who take more than they give and ebay purchases. I've seen both sons cry and I still have not got to go camping. It has been like some sort of a refuge at my place where babies, homeless people and users stay way beyond their welcome while contributing little to peace or financial support to the household. The house has been overrun with mice and is once again clean. My virtual world is more important than the physical one I live in. My teeth continue to decay. My knees don't like the air conditioner but "There is None Else Beside Him" so all is well in 2009.

Looking Back To 2003

I don't think anyone comes to this blog but for me looking back at the first few entries, I realise how much my life has changed except for one thing - Rob is still in it. I am not sure why because we have hurt each other terribly over the years and both of us want things our own way but I still have not been able to commit to him and still do not want to live with him unless I have to for some other reason.

Back in the early days of this blog I was stressed and ill. I still get ill but my stress levels are much improved but only because I do not participate in life nearly as much as I did before when i was constantly battling pain and fatigue. Now, I allow the pain and fatigue and act accordingly If I am well and happy I take some risks and become outgoing once again and I have half a chance of getting to that stage because I no longer work apart from selling Avon. The sad news is that I have also had many extended bad runs where pain and lack of moving and dizzy things has proved too much stress on top of doing Avon. So Avon was always a love hate thing. When Rob and I did not see each other for a couple of years on a regular basis, Avon was there. But Avon and Rob have also been big headaches when they are there.

I can say that this year for the first time, I do not feel as much like a mother nor the need to mother. The kids and their female mates had babies, separated, got back together when it was convenient, and came and went from my house until this year where I only see Scott on weekends, Connor even less. Their life crises are no longer mine which is a big difference. Ofcourse there are family crises and family get togethers and we may come closer together at those times. Mum and Debbie visited this year and for the first time, rented their own place around the corner to get away from my smoking. Scott had really only just left to live with his father (and Ange) again so he came back to my place for an extended period. Brett and Stacey and finally settled after leaving Windbourne apartments at Golden Beach and then moving on from Scott's ex caravan at Tripcony to Kings Beach Chequers apartments where Cohen started to be born. The move to Kings Beach severed a lot of habitual obligations that involved my car and running them around. The phase of me being at the kids beck and call seems to be finally over at 53. But I had better not speak too soon. But the truth is that I prefer my extra freedom and fewer responsibilities. I can much better take care of my own needs - or those of my body on my own, but I guess as the years go by I will be needing help.

I've enjoyed a bit of camping and site seeing over the last couple of years mostly with Rob and my spiritual needs seemed to be being met by A course in Miracles and more specifically Paul Tuttle's audio lessons. That's when Karla came into my life in a big way and her barely functioning Jamie who her life revolves around, except on weekends.

Gone are the days of doing self-development or metaphysical courses outside of Caloundra and gone are the days of meditations at fancy-Bhuddist-monk-named Victor's place in Taylor Street locally. This year I started studying Bnei Baruch Kabbalah and without a doubt it has much more importance to me than any of those other things combined, yet I thought those other things were important to my evolution - the expansion of something in me that has led me to something which I can't quite explain why it has grabbed my attention so much. I know it is going to satisfy my need to be needed but I hope it is a lot more than that one obviously egotistical reason. But here in this place where I am at, I can actually say G-d is fantastic and I think I am getting over quite a bit of anger I had towards that concept. I used to think I was being punished by my ill health no matter what anyone else said in any circle that I have attended. I am alone in a face-to-face kind of way with my attraction to authentic Kabbalah but when I was just learning from Paul Tuttle's voice and talking about it with Karla who always confused me with her intertwined talks about her experiences with aliens and ascended masters, I remember telling her that suddenly I felt like I needed a group. I did try the Way of the Heart group and the local ACIM group but they held no lasting attraction. I had become more or less a loner in my spiritual endeavours except for Karla and the sense of "virtual" connection I have now is actually quite deep despite not knowing any of the thousands of them personally. It is quite necessary though. And this group is growing like wild-fire and their teachings are still being revealed in English because there is still a lot to translate from Hebrew. There is a lot to translate into all the world's languages. But people keep offering to help and the group grows and their teachings spread. It is fascinating to watch and a blessing to be a part of.

Yes, my life has changed since 2003

Jowls and chins are disgusting but that's what has happened to me. Thank you.

T
Together we can make it out of here.