Saturday, May 03, 2003

This is for you Zena

Antipsychotic agents may slightly lower blood levels of testosterone, the hormone responsible for maintaining the libido (sex drive) in both men and women. The lower potency antipsychotic medications, such as thioridazine (Mellaril) and chlorpromazine (Thorazine), occasionally cause delayed or retrograde ejaculation in men. During retrograde ejaculation, orgasm is reached without the simultaneous emission of semen; semen is instead propelled backwards into the bladder and eliminated with the next urination (which may appear cloudy as a result).

I bet that you did not know that. I found it looking up stuff about Scoot’s medication. He had to make a change in meds. I am surrounded with men in my life like Dad was with women so I guess I am supposed to know stuff like that.

Friday and Saturday

My temperature kept going up so that yesterday was a right off of a day and so too is today. I am wondering now if I should have got some antibiotics. My headache is back and I am stiff and sore around the neck and shoulders but today’s temperature is a bit lower than yesterdays and it took 3 days to go up so maybe it will take 3 days to go down. So I am getting bored doing nothing but waiting to be better. But I cannot do anything because my heart starts racing from the exertion. That is how I know I am crook again with some virus or something or whatever. I always get like that even if I don’t have a sore throat or anything. The boys disappeared Friday before 6pm. I had forgotten that it was Friday and that Breville quite often stays at Nick’s so I wondered all night why no-one was home. I thought it was Thursday and that Scoot had taken Breville to his boys night out. But because no-one had said who was going where, even when I realised it was the weekend, I was not sure if I had the whole place to myself all night and at least most of Saturday. If I had known for sure I would have relaxed even more. Instead I wondered who would disturb me first and when. Breville has the habit of ringing for me to come and get him anytime after the clubbing session Friday night but he is just as likely to go out again Saturday night and not want to come home until Sunday. Scoot has a habit of not telling me whether he will be home for tea any night and is likely to walk in with Ange and decide to stay the night in Breville’s room while Breville is not here so that Scoot and Ange can get some privacy. Not knowing means that I cannot fully relax into the mess that surrounds me without feeling like I had better go and clean up at least for the sake of the others who are here. I am too sick to clean up more than a little bit at a time.

I had wanted to go out with Brenda to a Salsa night with dancing in the street outside one of the Mexican Restaurants in Maroochydore somewhere. She had to book a table even for coffee to get a seat. I left a message this morning that I would not be able to go. I would so like to get out and about this weekend before the onslaught of the marking again. I would have gone out last night too if I could have.

I got Mum’s birthday letter on Friday finally. But she rang not long ago this evening so she knows that it arrived. I forgot to thank her on the phone and make comment about all the horrid problems she has had with the house…those blinds I had no idea were built in the wrong way since way back. A problem sitting there waiting to happen dating back a few years now. How old is Gungurru? The point is that I forgot even though she actually rang just the next day. I hate the way this chronic fatigue thing affects my short-term memory. Her letter also reminded me about Dad being dead for 5 years nearly. I just realised that he had lasted through my birthday but did not make it through to Mum’s. I have always felt the burden of not being there to help keep him alive as if I could have done something to prolong his life. I guess Rec has made me feel that burden too but I have decided to give that job up as not being my responsibility. Sometimes I need help to be able to do it or NOT do it I guess I should say. It is very hard to find good help in the realm of the mind.

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