Friday, April 04, 2003

I’m not feeling very positive tonight
Here I am again. I write when I am in need of expressing myself to someone and where I can assume that the reader has an automatic empathy with my soul. Usually the reader is I because usually I write and read my thoughts in a “private” journal. I can definitely understand what I have written but sometimes I read things from the past that I do not now agree with. I am not sure whether anyone invited here even wants to understand me that deeply…for to do that means that I may no longer conform to the image that you currently have of me.

But I want to write again today because I need to talk it out. And my site guests can like it or lump it. I wonder which of my site guests actually read this.

I don’t know why I am so blue but it has something to do with Rob tonight. I’ve been feeling miserable since his phonecall. Prior to that on ICQ, he had been trying to talk me into coming up to this concert he won tickets for. He wanted to take me but forgot to check if the weekend suited before he assumed that I should make the trip up from Caloundra for the “special event”. Does that sound like some kind of manipulation…the carrot so to speak? I have to have 40 Powerpoint assignments submitted on floppy disk marked before Wednesday next week. I told Rob last week that I would probably still be marking on the weekend. There was some chance that if I got stuck into the marking straight after work on Tuesday, and kept at it most of my waking hours for the next few days in between appointments, then I could maybe be finished by Saturday. It would have also meant that no housework would get done until next Monday, which is also the day that I must work on my lesson.

I was not too keen to put myself through this pace given my health and stress level which had heightened because of Rob spending more than the agreed upon weekend time with me last week. My computer was used to buy jewellery on e-bay more than it was used for marking assignments. Even getting presents from Rob is stressful to me…but he does not understand that. I wish one of my readers could understand that I feel like I am being held to ransom at times. More stress came in the form of Rob’s health problems. He was sick with chest pains and worry about them. So…I was worried about holding him to his weekend agreement when he obviously wanted to stay in Caloundra with me and Scott and Brett. He knew that I did not really want him to be here and that I was giving in to pressure from my own guilt complex if not the one he “accidentally” dumps on me when he is having angina. I even feel guilty about the way I look after myself and my health problems when he has something far worse than Crohn’s disease or Fibromyalgia or Arthritis. Keeping stress to a minimum is a self-nurturing strategy but that is impossible when needier people are around. The neediest person gets what they want when my guilt over not putting myself out to meet their neediness gets too much for me to bear. So most of the people around me are a pretty needy bunch. That includes my kids. They all have the effect of making me feel guilty because their immediate and acute needs are so much more important than my chronic smouldering needs.

I also noticed that when we were doing what Rob and I had both agreed to, both of us were happier and healthier. We had a nice enough weekend. No doubt Rob picked up on my mood when I realised that my plans for the rest of the week were not going to happen. He just got sicker. I just got angrier at the choices he made that seemed to be contributing to his ill health. Now that he is home and away from me he has improved remarkably. He went out to dinner last night when back in Tewantin and is going to go to the concert tomorrow night as planned. I can chip away at my assignment marking which I do a couple of hours at a time…at my own pace. I am not feeling very well though. Drained again by other people’s neediness. Not enough energy to mark efficiently I am finding. I am very, very slow and distracted. It is just as well that I have the weekend to get the marking done because I am going to need all the productive time I can get.

Monday has already got some tasks assigned and Tuesday is the day that I will be on campus working. I would like to return the assignments via Andrea for moderation by Tony on Tuesday even if I have to stay back at work. I certainly do not want to have to make a second trip out to the University on Wednesday.

Brett did the dishes today
I had a nice surprise when I got up this morning. The collection of dishes had been washed and the all the benches were wiped clean. Brett can be very thoughtful. I accidentally slept in because of my late night last night……. blogging away. Consequently I was running very late for my doctors’ appointment this morning. It was wonderful to know that I would be coming back home to a clean kitchen.

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